Slow Fade

One line resonates profoundly in my heart when I listen to Casting Crowns' "Slow Fade", "people never crumble in a day." That's right, they don't. In fact it takes a bit of time to fully find yourself at such a distance from God that you can't find your way back home and you're not sure what to do. That's me right now.

I have slowly taken steps away from God. One at a time, never too many at once. It was slow and I saw it happen but I did nothing to stop it. He never moved. It was me. I'm far enough away now that I feel like a lamb out in an empty field. I'm cold, I'm scared, I'm lost. It's kind of dark and I'm bleeping for the Good Shepherd but it seems I'm too far away for Him to hear me. That's how I feel right now. I saw it coming. I really did. I knew I was taking steps back but I don't know why I didn't stop it on time. I don't pray as much anymore. Just a microwave prayer here or there. I don't read His word except during Wednesday night bible study.My bible sits in the backseat of my car until the following Wednesday. I started to pay more attention to other things and did not concentrate on God when I knew He just wanted a bit of my time.

I'm walking in dangerous waters now. I've come far enough away that I feel outside of the shield of His protection. I've walked outside His protective dome. It's dark and murky here. I feel the snake coming closer. It's eerie. I'm unsure of myself and I feel down and lost. I'm having a hard time concentrating during church. I try to praise but I don't feel it. I try to pray but I REALLY don't want to. I can't bring myself to read to find my freedom. I felt the first real attack yesterday though. I came home from service. It was wonderful, I was empty. A depression came over me like I haven't felt before. My mind was heavy but it wasn't a headache. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want anyone around me. I just wanted to lock myself away and cry. I knew I felt this way because I'm reacting to being so far from Him. It's scary and I know I've reached a dangerous point.

I want to go back to Him but I'm not exactly sure how. How am I supposed to find my way back when there's no light to guide me? How am I supposed to find my way back to Him when I don't hear His voice and He is silent? I know He will welcome me with open arms but how am I supposed to get there when I don't know where to go?

I know that I don't need anything from Him. I don't need a new car, money or a new job. I'm pretty ok, not perfect but it's ok. I know His promises over my life and I believe He is faithful and will do what He said He would. I don't need Him to do anything. I only need Him. I need His light, I need His love, I need His mercy, and most of all I need His presence. I just need Him. I am fulfilled when He is with me. I need nothing else when He is near. I need to feel Him, I need to touch Him, I need to hear Him, I need to see Him. I need Him to be made real in my life.

I just don't know....how to get to that point? How do I get back to where He is close enough to sense? I feel so down. I need the peace that surpasses understanding. I need the light of the world. I need joy beyond measure. I....need....Him.