Slow Fade

One line resonates profoundly in my heart when I listen to Casting Crowns' "Slow Fade", "people never crumble in a day." That's right, they don't. In fact it takes a bit of time to fully find yourself at such a distance from God that you can't find your way back home and you're not sure what to do. That's me right now.

I have slowly taken steps away from God. One at a time, never too many at once. It was slow and I saw it happen but I did nothing to stop it. He never moved. It was me. I'm far enough away now that I feel like a lamb out in an empty field. I'm cold, I'm scared, I'm lost. It's kind of dark and I'm bleeping for the Good Shepherd but it seems I'm too far away for Him to hear me. That's how I feel right now. I saw it coming. I really did. I knew I was taking steps back but I don't know why I didn't stop it on time. I don't pray as much anymore. Just a microwave prayer here or there. I don't read His word except during Wednesday night bible study.My bible sits in the backseat of my car until the following Wednesday. I started to pay more attention to other things and did not concentrate on God when I knew He just wanted a bit of my time.

I'm walking in dangerous waters now. I've come far enough away that I feel outside of the shield of His protection. I've walked outside His protective dome. It's dark and murky here. I feel the snake coming closer. It's eerie. I'm unsure of myself and I feel down and lost. I'm having a hard time concentrating during church. I try to praise but I don't feel it. I try to pray but I REALLY don't want to. I can't bring myself to read to find my freedom. I felt the first real attack yesterday though. I came home from service. It was wonderful, I was empty. A depression came over me like I haven't felt before. My mind was heavy but it wasn't a headache. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want anyone around me. I just wanted to lock myself away and cry. I knew I felt this way because I'm reacting to being so far from Him. It's scary and I know I've reached a dangerous point.

I want to go back to Him but I'm not exactly sure how. How am I supposed to find my way back when there's no light to guide me? How am I supposed to find my way back to Him when I don't hear His voice and He is silent? I know He will welcome me with open arms but how am I supposed to get there when I don't know where to go?

I know that I don't need anything from Him. I don't need a new car, money or a new job. I'm pretty ok, not perfect but it's ok. I know His promises over my life and I believe He is faithful and will do what He said He would. I don't need Him to do anything. I only need Him. I need His light, I need His love, I need His mercy, and most of all I need His presence. I just need Him. I am fulfilled when He is with me. I need nothing else when He is near. I need to feel Him, I need to touch Him, I need to hear Him, I need to see Him. I need Him to be made real in my life.

I just don't know....how to get to that point? How do I get back to where He is close enough to sense? I feel so down. I need the peace that surpasses understanding. I need the light of the world. I need joy beyond measure. I....need....Him.

I will pursue you

That moment when you wake up in the morning and your first thought is Jesus.
That moment when you're crying in your car because you feel his presence.

Yeah, that was me today. I had this interesting dream with Jesus last night. I've never dreamt with him before. It was a weird dream, out of place really, but it was sweet and gentle and I wish I could fall back asleep and relive it. In my dream, I was spending an entire day with Jesus. He wasn't a spiritual Jesus, he was man. He was dressed in jeans and a button down and he sat and spoke to me. He had shoulder length brown hair and a beard but I didn't REALLY see his face. He was taking care of my daughter for me while I did something. I don't even know what I was doing that I wasn't with my daughter but Jesus was caring for her. In the dream, I called my grandmother's house and asked for Jesus because thats where he was taking care of my baby. He told me she was ok. It then skips and Jesus is in my car with me. We're talking and I'm trying to give him excuses. Excuses on why I wasn't taking care of my daughter. Only I wasn't really giving him excuses. I would just tell him.."Well you know!" He smiled, looked at me, and told me that he still wanted to hear why. He wasn't being mean or anything. It was like he genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. I proceeded to give him excuse after excuse. He just smiled, nodded and just said "uh huh" to everything I said. In the end we just laughed. Jesus made it clear, without saying much, that I had no excuses. Then I woke up.

I don't know if the dream means something. I don't know if I'm supposed to wake up with some epiphany or some secret knowledge. Maybe I just went to bed a little too full last night. I don't know. All I know is that I saw my Lord in a dream, and he emanated peace and gentleness. I trusted him completely when it came to my daughter and had peace in my heart when he told me she was ok. I knew she was because she was being cared for by him. I was happy when I was with him, he understood me and knew me. He listened to me. He was genuine.  And without speaking to me, he made me realize my errors. He can just do that in you. Convict you of your actions without saying a word.

That dream has altered my day. I'm driving to school and I'm tearing because I swear I feel him sitting next to me just like in the dream. Jesus has altered my entire existence and makes me want to keep searching and keep pursuing him. It's important for me to feel that way every day. I want to know he's sitting with me always. I want to know he understands me and that everything will be ok when I put my entire family in his hands. To know I can trust him implicitly.

Jesus....the center of it all. And that's how I like it. ;)

I told the mountain to jump...and it jumped!

I've been away from blogging for quite some time now. Life hit pretty hard from 2010-2013. My husband and I had our first child and shortly afterwards he lost his job for over a year. This past February the Lord blessed my husband with a new job but a month later I lost my own. It has been quite the process and the desert has been far from easy but we are persevering with the help of our Lord who has never left us or forsaken us. I am currently a very happy stay-at-home mother and frankly hope that the Lord gives me the opportunity to stay home. ;) Because life has slowed down a bit and because I missed blogging so much I have decided to attempt to rededicate myself to commenting on my biblical study journey. 

And what better passage about faith testing than 1 Peter 1:6-7. "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

The bible makes quite a few references to faith. What is faith? Faith is believing without seeing. Trusting in the unknown. Believing there is a light at the end of the tunnel when you're surrounded by darkness. Faith is one of the most difficult traits a Christian is expected to have and practice. How do you believe that you can tell a mountain to move and because you have faith, it HAS to move? How does that make any sense? How am I supposed to believe that my newborn will have formula when my husband has no job or that the bills will be paid on time? How am I supposed to believe and trust the words of 1 Peter that say the trials are just for a little while? Isn't it cruel of God to test us with fire?

I can honestly say that most of those questions crossed through my mind over the past few years. But I didn't let them grow roots in my heart. Instead I allowed myself to believe in the words of the Lord when he told me "You will want for nothing. I sustain you." I chose to believe him. I chose to trust completely in him. And I can honestly say I have experienced the joy of seeing the trial end and my faith returning as pure as gold. I continue to trust and believe in him. It may seem naive to a few but not to me. My faith has allowed me to live in peace and my trust in the Lord and has allowed me to continue walking in his path because I know that he is waiting at the finish line. I will meet him there and he will embrace me and he will say "You did it."

What about you? Have you had your faith tested? Gone through a situation where you couldn't see the end of the everlasting desert? How did God help you?

Unbrotherly love

Genesis 4: 1-2: "Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, 'With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.' Later she gave birth to his brother Abel.
Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil."

Day 2 of the bible journey took us through Genesis 4-7, the stories of Cain and Abel and also Noah. (I'll discuss Noah in another post). Again it's another story I know full well from my childhood only... as an adult I see it a little differently. Cain and Abel were brothers and each had a different field of expertise. Cain was a farmer of sorts, working the soil as his day to day. Abel worked with the sheep and tended to their needs. They each brought an offering to the Lord but the Lord was more pleased with Abel since Abel brought of the fattest from the firstborn of his flock and Cain just gathered some fruit. Cain, in his jealousy, kills his brother. (Sibling rivalry on steroids).

I found an interesting verse in 4:9.  "Then the Lord said to Cain, 'Where is your brother Abel?' 'I don't know,' he replied. 'Am I my brother's keeper?” Like...WOOOO Cain. Slow down. Why so snappy?! Got something to hide? Here we can see Cain deflecting the situation; a defense mechanism man uses to protect himself from his shame. Cain doesn't immediately answer God's question, he instead poses another, almost expecting God to back off the situation simply because Cain decided he wasn't ready to talk. Another interesting point: Although God knew that Cain had murdered Abel, he still asked him "where is your brother?" Why would God ask a question he already knew the answer to? To see what we would say? To see if we would be honest with him and come clean? Cain didn't lie to God about what he had done nor did he try to excuse himself. He only asked God for his mercy since he knew his punishment was great and once it was public knowledge that he had killed his brother, whomever found him would kill him. God granted his request for mercy. He marked Cain so that if anyone should hurt him he would be cursed seven times over. 

The bible proceeds with a chapter of genealogy. But one of Cain's descendants, Lamech, merits a bit of discussion. In 4:23-24 Lamech explains to his wives that he had killed a man for wounding him and continued to say "If Cain is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times.” I'm sorry Lamech but who do you think you are? Personally, I don't think God would have honored Lamech's curse to others. 

What do you think?  Do you see yourself deflecting situations in your life in order not to come clean with God or yourself?

God's creative genius

Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."

Ever look at a sunset and marvel at the beauty of the scene forming before you? I onced expressed to my husband as we watched the sunset on the beach a few years ago:

"God must be a masterful painter. Look at the sky...it's like a painting."

And it almost was. It looked like something straight from the Louvre that could've easily been located near the Mona Lisa or the Venus de Milo.

On Day 1 of the reading plan, we read Genesis 1-3. Going through the creation story and remembering the days of my childhood where Raquel would teach us in bible study. Surely we must all have this story memorized by now. God created the sky, the moon, the stars. God created the earth and all that inhabits it...wildlife, vegetation and humans. All the time he saw that everything he made was good. And surely it is. How could I possibly live a day where this is no sun? Or a day where the cool wind doesn't blow through my hair? God is the ultimate creator and his creative genius surpassed anything the world could possibly fathom.

One thing stood out this time though. (1) The blame game has been played since the original humans were created. How interesting that Adam and Eve's first instincts when God approached them about their sin was to blame the other. Neither found blame in themselves and both were quick to throw the blame to another. The man blamed the woman "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.", the woman blamed the serpent "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." ...Yet neither thought to assume blame for their own actions. Man's nature to save his own skin dates back to the creation. I also like Adam's choice of words when he attempted to excuse his actions before God "The woman you put here with me". It was almost like he was telling God...this is your fault too.

What do you think? Is there anything about the creation story that stood out for you? Something you learned that you didn't know before?

Introduction

The English Dictionary defines the word "Outspoken" as being frank in stating one's opinions, esp. if they are critical or controversial. And so this I intend to do...to be free and unreserved in my speech and my writing and find in it a liberating spirit through which God can speak to and through me.

My intentions are to attempt to understand God, his word, his mysteries and attempt to guard them in my heart, soul and spirit and learn from them.

I have begun a year long reading plan of the Bible this week, "The Bible in Chronological Order". It began with Genesis ofcourse and has jumped to Job. My vision for this blog is to record my thoughts and views on what I think God is trying to say in his word and how I understand the message behind it. I'm enthusiastic as to the direction the blog may take but my only hope is that I gain a deeper understanding of God and learn more about myself in the process.